Whirlwind...

For starters happy holidays to all who enjoy reading my entries. I guess I have learned that my life is not going to slow down especially since I can walk around a lot more and a lot faster. Also, I don't think that it is in my genes to slow down either. A big person of making pros and con's lists' I seem to find out lately that the pros seem to win out 99% of the time. It can be very exhausting. However being the undeterred individual that I am, I am enjoying all the little blessings and craziness that has stemmed my way.

It has been 7 looong months since my life changing surgery and for that I am truly grateful. I now know how to cherish every part of every day through the good and the bad. I do get my daily dose of good and bad, but as selfish as I can be I now realize that I am not that special(everybody has them just different circumstances). I guess sometimes it takes a stiff kick in the rear to actually see how you can better yourself and how to go about it. These have been my lessons.

1. No matter who you are there is ALWAYS someone in a worse situation than you!

2. Be grateful for what you have because it could be gone in a minute.

3. Cherish your loved ones because in times of struggle they will have your back.

4. If there is an opportunity for you to help someone else SEIZE IT! Because in that moment, through that act of kindness you could change someone's day or life, and it just might be your own.

5. Always look at the glass as being half full because more things are possible when you have optimism.

6. Take on something that you don't think that you can do, you will amaze yourself when you complete it.

7. Always remember to keep a smile on your face even if you are having a bad day think of a happy thought and it can change the rest of your day.

8. Never be afraid of laughing at yourself and ALWAYS find humor in life. "Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred" -Pico Iyer

9. Never give up!

10. Never give into fear or it will take over your life.



In my own way these are like my ten commandments. After all that I have seen, felt and went through in the past 7+ months these 10 things are critical to my survival. I don't think that I could ever stress enough how much this has tested my faith, courage and love for another human being. Life goes on it is as simple as that. With out the love and support that I received through this whole ordeal I wouldn't be here writing down this story. If I had let my fear take the wheel I sure as heck would still be lying in a hospital bed having to press a call button to get turned every 4-6 hours. I have also learned that you don't have to always do something with grace, because when you are in the trenches of your life struggles it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is making it to the other side as unscathed as you possibly can. I was told once after telling my story of this last year that I gave someone hope. It stopped me for a second because I didn't know how to respond and it is a humbling moment as well. In prior entries you know I have a saying there is always a catch. I looked back at her and told her that she gave me hope to for the struggles that she was going through too. In her mind they were minimal to mine, but in my eyes they were pretty bad. It is all about perspective, hence number 1.



I realized that I get to be grateful everyday for my little blessings if I take the time to see that they are there. My family is the greatest gift that I could have ever gotten. I may still have to use a walker for long distances, but I have a bounce in my step. For the first time in a long time I get to work on me and she the changes not just in the mirror, but in my attitude as well. I know now that NOTHING is impossible!



I am not young and by no means am I old. I have gotten to see quite a few things in my 28 years on this earth(my bday is in 2 days)(sweeet!) and I don't have any regrets. I have had my struggles and my triumphs, and through those I got a life that I cherish. Today I get to see my little victories that make each day a new adventure. I still remember the day when the neurologist came into my room and told me that there was a high probability that I may never walk again, and yet here I am walking around without a walker most of the time. Thankfully it didn't happen overnight and I had to work for it which made the rewards so much better.



I also meant to add that a loved one isn't always family by blood, it can be friends that have turned into family. I have two people that have been such pillars of strength through this that they have turned into family. They went from being just a friend to a brother and a sister that no matter what I can always count on. For a person who hasn't had a friend to last longer than a couple of years this is a blessing in itself.



I guess what I am trying to say is that take a moment to look around you and see the blessings that you have. You may not find thousands, but I can guarantee that you will find one and one is what you have to write down first before adding the rest of the zeroes!



Thank you for putting up with my long winded details of my life. To all the people who read this and get something out of this "I love you and thank you for all your support!" Have a great rest of your holidays.

The pain is dwindling

Well, I am having plenty of pain free days and am not even getting sore a lot of days too. This surgery was such a blessing I am so grateful that I had it everyday. I had a few bad days this week, but that was do to a fall and I think I twisted my ankle, but since the feeling hasn't entirely come back I'm not able to tell for sure. I just know that it hurt to walk on and that in turn worked its way up since I was off kilter. It is better now though. It is great to finally be able to go through a day and not be doubled over in pain. I am seriously questioning if they worked on my thyroid during my surgery because I keep losing weight. I am almost two pant sizes down and a shirt size. I never thought that I would feel this great. Well, I am getting tired and have to run some errands before work so nite-nite.

Wow

I'm still going on a crazy pace hopefully all will slow down soon enough. More than likely after the holidays. This weekend I was hanging out with my friend and her daughter and I ran into one of the therapists from the rehab hospital. When she saw me she said "OH MY GOD YOU ARE WALKING!" well if I needed a little boost in my ego that sure did do the trick. I do have my moments where I can't see how far I have come. Little run ins like that keep my spirit gung ho about getting back to full Marcie.

I still have my moments of fear though few and far between they show their heads. Which is still great having fear keeps you human. I'm currently scared to go to sleep that when I open my eyes I will wake up back in one of those places again and this all will be a dream. If I feel it coming about before I go to bed I usually just say a quick prayer and I am good to go. Thank God I have a checks and balances system so my right and left brain can quit arguing. Life is too short to constantly second guess yourself. By the way I only use my walker at work how wonderful is that. Hugs and kisses!!!!

Long time gone.....

I am so sorry for you avid readers that it has been a long time since my last blog. I got really busy with family coming into town, working full time and making my nephew laugh.(the joy of life) Things have been going so well that I sometimes forget to tell about the good and not just the bad. I still get humbled every day and a good dose of gratitude. I am so happy that I was able to spend time with my family while they were here and not be in any pain. My family could tell the big difference in my attitude and my weight loss. I am almost 2 pant sizes down and between 30-40 pounds. I think that I am not exercising that much, but I am constantly walking around and my energy level has shot through the roof.



I have found new ways to curb my depression moments. If you have never seen Jeff Dunham you need to check him out he will crack you up. Go to jeffdunham.com. It is awesome.


Well, it is getting late and these 40 hour weeks are kicking my butt. Goodnight and have a great rest of the week!

Swimming

Well, I got to go swimming today and it was awesome! I am worn out and tired, but it is so worth it. I swam 500 meters. It was no small feet. I remember doing 500's as a warm up, but that not being the sole exercise. I think that it is funny that I can swim 500 meters, but I can't walk that far. I think that it's funny. One of the really good things about the pool is that it is salt water and not chlorine. My legs feel wonderful. It was great to work them out without all the topside pressure. Plus it loosened my back muscles which have been getting tight lately and I am not able to get a massage yet. I am trying to get my endurance up for the little guy that is going to be here in less than a month. Well, I am pooped and my eyelids are getting heavy, yea sleep without medication. Great times. Love y'all!

Interesting

I know that I am not blogging everyday, but I am getting back on my feet again with work and driving more. It leaves me a little worn out at the end of the day. I have been having so many good days lately that I am truly exhausted when I get home and once my head hits the pillow I am out like a fat kid in dodge ball. I don't think that I would have ever thought that my life would turn out this way. I am grateful that it did because even with all the bad things that have happened I would not have had all the good that came with it. You can only smile once you shed some tears. I guess that much of this has to do with perspective. It is always different from the outside looking in than from the inside looking out. This is the first time that I have been completely open with all around me and there is a freedom that comes from that vulnerability. It was hard at first, but now it just seems normal. I guess that since I am being productive (back at work) it is easier to let the bad days go to the wayside, because I don't have the feeling of isolation. Even though during this time I was able to see my friends and get out of the house I still had to work harder to get rid of the bad feelings. I still look at the glass as being half full, however I do have a bad moment every now and again I just have more power to push it away. I am walking more and more without my walker and my balance has increased tenfold. My difficulties now go to the fact of, "What should I wear?" and "I can't believe this fits!". I know that my supporters are glad to hear this turn of events. I have definitely got to get my strength up so that I can run around with my nephew. My plan is to be walking unassisted by the middle of October. I may even be able to go see my doctor on the 9th and not have to use my walker. Wouldn't that be amazing.

Full week....

I am normal again!!!!! I finished my first week back to work. It was awesome. I still can't believe how far I have come in these past couple months. I am definitely enjoying the ride now. It took tons of hard work and support to get here.

I know I have said this before, but it needs to be said as many times as I can. My family and friends have really stepped up to the plate to help me through this tumultuous recovery. My mom and dad are my everyday heroes. I know that I have told y'all that my mom was with me everyday and that was so wonderful that I have a mom that will stand by my side through thick and thin. My dad may not have been geographically available, but phone lines work wonders. I talked to him for at least a half hour a day and multiple times at that. He is my jester.(not the funny costume way, but it wouldn't surprise me if I needed a laugh) Even if I called him with some bad news by the time the call was ending I was laughing my ass off. They have supported me through this endeavor hole heartily. I could never have created better parents then the ones that I have. One day when I have the joy of having kids I hope that I can be as good as they have been for me. It is wonderful that I have the opportunity to watch them as grandparents with my nephew. My dad gets him to make this laugh that just makes you fall over laughing. When my mom holds him and he doesn't want to let go. (him puking on her face was priceless though). (sorry mom) The love that they have shown shines through everyone they come in contact with. They are the people that you want to have as part of your life, even if it is just for a moment. I am the person I am today because of them.

If you love someone let them know it just might make their day. It helped get my feet on the ground and start walking and it gave me plenty of hope for the future. Love to all and have a great day.

Work...

Well, I have been at work for almost a full week now. Talk about being a productive member of society again. It feels so good to actually earn a paycheck. Normal life is coming back slowly, but surely. I have been tired after work that is why I haven't been writing as much. I forgot how tiring it is. I found out today that the community college down the road has open swim time from 11am to 3pm which is before I have to go to work. The reason I mention this is because they have a handicap entrance into the water and lifeguards on duty as well. Not saying that anything will happen, but since I haven't done any unsupervised working out I think for my first couple tries I should have someone to watch over me. I will try to go this weekend weather permitting. This way I can loosen up my leg muscles and strengthen them at the same time. Plus I can work on my balance and build up my endurance. Things are going so good right now, it is always good to see yourself taking steps in the right direction. (pun intended)

First Day

Well, today was my first day back at work. I was a little anxious about going back, but I was away for four months. It went really well. I got to see a lot of my friends from work and got updated on what has gone on. It was raining on my way there so that added a little sweat on my forehead, oh and there was traffic too. I made all in one piece and home just the same.

On my recovery I am using the walker less and less. I don't use it at all at the house and I walked to the car today without my walker. Yeah! When I got home I took the walker out of the car and left it folded and walker to the front door. It has been a fruitful day on all ends plus I am extremely tired so I am gonna call it a night.

Nice people

I went to get groceries today and got to ride around in the little scooter. Fun times. It still amazes me the kindness of strangers. People offered to get me stuff off the high shelves, but the coolest part was when I got out to the car and this woman was walking up and she asked if I needed any help and I said no, but she insisted anyway. She unloaded all the groceries into the trunk of my car. I am still shocked that there are good people still in this world. She asked me what happened and I told her then she asked if I prayed. It blew me away, but before I could think of a response I blurted out that I did.(it's true) Then as she was leaving she told me that we are all in God's hands and that all we have to do is pray. Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Then on the way home still having that phrase running through my head a song comes on and the line that stood out was " You can only smile until you have shed some tears". It has definitely been a day of good thoughts and gratitude. It gave me a little time to think of how great that I have it even with all that is going on I am still blessed.

When I got home I unloaded all the food by myself.(sweet) Then I started to cook. I made chile rellenos and Mexican rice plus two cookie sheets worth of sausage rolls for breakfast. Man was it good. I was starting to get tired and hot(oven's tend to do that) thankfully I had a stool in the kitchen cause I lost my balance and started to fall. I'm glad that I did all that upper body work and that I have quick reflexes when it comes to my arms and hands. I grabbed the stool and steadied myself luckily I had just put down the cookie sheet. After that nice little moment I said to myself (since I was alone it was out loud) maybe I should sit down. To the table I went and rested for a minute while the rice finished. Good thing that things need time to cook. Once the timer went off I got up again and was able to function. By the way I did all this and unloading the car without my walker. I was right by the front door so it wasn't a long walk, but hey still no falls. Yeah buddy! I am starting to see more improvements and know that I am getting better. It still sucks that it is taking longer than I hoped, but hey things don't always happen in my time frame. At least I know at the end of the day that I am getting better slowly, but surely. I still remember when the neurologist came into my room and said that there was a high possibility that I would never walk again. When I get down about how slow this seems to be going I still go back to that hospital bed and think, "Wow I have made it this far!" Even if I have a bad day and write about it don't think that I am as upset as it seems. I just need to get those thoughts out so the good one's don't get pushed out.

When you are going through a rough patch and I have had my share I learned from a quote that,"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!" Sometimes it just takes a little time for the good things in life to arrive, but at least I know that they will.

Attractive much?????

I guess since my surgery I haven't really felt attractive and I keep getting told that you are recovering. I'm sorry, but that does not satisfy my vanity. Yes, believe it or not I do have a vain side. I just tend to let it hide out most of the time. This has been a tough shot on my pride too. Well, I have been looking for these pants since I got home, and tonight I found them.(YEAH) I was so excited and I can wear them this weekend and that is one step closer to my happy vain-o-meter. We all tend to feel better when we feel that we are attractive even if it is just in our own eyes.

Onto other news...I know that I haven't talked much about my recovery in awhile, but there are so good news. I am now walking around the house without my walker so I can get my balance back. Well, I have only been doing that at the house, but tonight Mom asked if I wanted to go with her and if I could get to the car without the walker. Well, I did! The main setback that I am still having is m right foot it doesn't want to get back in the game just yet, but it is getting there. Each day forward I have more than the previous. Sometimes it is hard to see the good through all the crap that is there. Like seeing the forest through the trees. Perspectives are always different from the outside looking in than from the inside looking out. I guess what I am saying is that these times may be hard and I wish that it was all grins and giggles, but unfortunately this is my hand that I have been dealt and I'm trying to play it out to the best I can.

I am blessed for all the support that I have in my life, and there are times that I take it for granted when I am having a bad day. Trust me on this I have had more good days than bad. It is that the bad days are easier to detect and get out of now then before when I was in those places. I don't feel as trapped and helpless now as I did. Coming from a mostly independent person to have to rely on someone else for everything was the worst. It is really good that I figured out why I was so unhappy after having such a good time and that was wonderful and a relief. I have a great weekend planned to hang out with some friends and then hopefully go back to work on Monday. I think that will help as well just doing something that is productive. So to everyone have a great day and smile it increases your face value! :D

Aha

I had plenty of issues trying to figure out why I would have such an emotional shift lately. The reason is that I have to leave before a function is over or that time together is coming to an end. The tears just start to fall once I am on my own. My "Aha" moment came when I was driving home on Saturday when I had been out for almost 12 hours and then being utterly exhausted from the day and on the drive home the tears came. I cocked my head to one side and then let out a muffled laugh. When you have one of the moments and you start to talk to yourself and the rest of the way home I just laughed. Having that moment of clarity has helped greatly because understanding what is going on helps to deal and accept the response. It is so great to know why and not be so dumbfounded about the range of emotions. I enjoy the fact that I know when it happens, I can just let the moment happen then move on and not try to diagnose the problem for the following days.

Onto other subjects. It is great to be able to enjoy myself. To have fun again. I am having times that I can walk without my walker and get used to the balance of my body all over again. How cool is that?! When I am at home I hardly use the walker at all. I can't wait until I am completely better and not having to use any additional equipment to help myself move around.

I am having a great time lately and have been too busy to write, but more is on the way I just needed a break for a little while. I am hopefully going back to work next week so if there is another break I'm sorry I just haven't worked for almost 5 months. Have a great day and enjoy every breath that you take. It is truly a great time to be in a good mood.

Hmmm..

I got quite a few responses on my last blog entry. I understand that yall care about me and want me to get better, but I'm sorry not every day is a walk in the park. There are very bad days and instead of doing something stupid I write it down. Maybe this is not the best option. For those of you who don't know the exact details of some of my rehabs let me tell you about one.

I was still in my wheelchair and I still needed help going to the bathroom. I had to wait about 20-30 minutes for help and by that time I already started having a bowel movement. So they get me on the toilet but don't get my pants down far enough and the fecal matter is going everywhere. Already crying over embarrassment the humiliation gets worse. When I was finished we got back to the bed and I still needed to be cleaned up further. The surroundings need to be inserted right now. The window of my room was open the shades were not drawn and the privacy curtain between me and my roommate was not drawn either. In the process of cleaning me up they ripped out my catheter. Well, since I am finally cleaned up I lay there spread-eagle with no covers on my lower half (the window still open and curtain is still not drawn) one of the staff opens the door to my room all the way. There were plenty of people going in and out of this hospital and here I am spread-eagle as bare as I was when I came into this world and no way to cover myself up. This was the only time I felt completely helpless, let alone the people who are supposed to protect me didn't and didn't do anything until I started screaming. After my parents got involved the head of quality came by and told me he was sorry and that nursing would be in to do the same. When nursing came in instead of getting an apology I was told that she was new and that I should not get upset for her mistake. I never received an apology from the girl who opened the door. If you think that this is not something to get upset about that's fine, but I will let you borrow my shoes and you can walk a mile. Then I had to get another catheter put in without any anesthesia.

Now, that you know one of my horror stories maybe some of my entries may make more sense. Right now I feel that I can't say anything right and that everything is under a fine tooth comb. It is as if I am back in those homes again reliving this hell all over again. Next blog that I write I will make sure that I filter it so it is all happy and cheerful to make everyone happy. Since we always have to make the appearance that everything is fine and dandy when it is not. These are MY struggles and MY triumphs so that everyone would know that it is OK to have a bad day or to even have a few in a row. It is OK to have emotional breakdowns without a known cause they just happen. If that offends anyone you always have the option to not read this blog. I am sure that I will get a pounding in emails over this, but you are entitled to your own opinion as I am to mine.

By getting all the bad crap out I was feeling better, and I thought that is what mattered. However I guess I still wanted some approval that I was on the right track, well that feeling is gone. This is my journal of my experiences and I am sharing it in hopes to help someone who is going through this or something similar that it is OK to feel what you are feeling. IF I GET A NEGATIVE RESPONSE TO ANYTHING IT WILL BE DELETED! Just so everyone is clear my day is going fan-freaking-tastic!

Character

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. Abraham Lincoln

Why does it seem that we tend to care more about the reputation then our character? I am guilty of caring too much about how others' will view me then about the status of my character. Why does it seem that only in times of great tragedy that true colors are shown? Is it that we are blind during the daily grind that we can't see people for who they truly are or is it that we don't want to see? I think of myself as a person with strong character, but her lies the catch I want you to reaffirm that to me. I can't just be satisfied with watching my tree grow, I am constantly checking out the shadow.

I have been going through quite a few emotional issues. I can be happy all day long and then five minutes later feeling like crap. It is like all the happiness got sucked out in that split second and I feel like the world is going to end. I don't know why this is happening or how to explain it any better. It is as if everything that I have worked for means nothing and that nobody cares. I want to just crawl into bed and pray that the day is over when it has just begun. Strangely it works the other way too, but that is how it's supposed to be. Right? I guess a lot of it has to do with the fear that my life is passing me by and all I can do is sit on the sidelines and wait for the coach to put me in. But, right now I have to stay on the sidelines because I am not able to play at full capacity. I by no means expected to have the surgery and be just fine the next day and not hurt or have to go through any kind of therapy. I'm just ready for this part of my life to be over and to not have these constant limitations. I guess there is a part of me that wants to go back, but it is not that simple. In this process of rehabilitating myself I am ready for it to be done and over with. To not have these little worries of tripping and falling and being paralyzed for the rest of my life. I feel like I am in the constant cross hairs of black and white with no gray in site. Like it has to be really good or really bad there is no mediocre. If I say that I am OK today to some extent that doesn't seem enough. As the saying goes that we are harder on ourselves then we are on others. It is as if we are not good enough for our own self image so we digress into this feeling of self pity that won't go away. I wish that this would end on a happier note, but unfortunately that is not today.

A normal life...

I know two blogs in one day, but I am making up for lost time. I have been thinking a lot lately about a normal life.

If you are a baseball fan then you will understand this analogy. One of the many heroes of this American pastime is Cal Ripken Jr., he was a great shortstop and a family man. What is less talked about is his younger brother Billy. I feel a kinship to Billy for I am the younger sibling and we have a lot in common. We feel like we live in our older sibling's shadow and can never live up to the hype. I do cherish my sister with all my heart and I'm sure that he loves his brother as well. The reason I bring up this analogy is that like Billy he had spent most of his career on the injury report. If there was a way to get hurt in the sport he did, but his brother on the other hand didn't. I can remember growing up and the only time my sister got hurt and needed stitches was because of me slamming her finger in the door. I promise that it was not intentional it was an accident. The only other time I remember her being in the hospital is when she had my wonderful little guy(my nephew). Now me on the other hand, whenever we moved we had to find the nearest hospital because I would be visiting the ER some time during our stay in whatever city it was. I have had more injuries, illnesses and surgeries than my mom and sister combined. I would say my dad, but he is coming up on 60 years and hello he's a boy.(My poor grandma had her hands full) So my kinship to Billy begins. It is hard to live in a brother/sister's shadow even if it is in your own eyes. I would like to say that my life is just more exciting, but unfortunately that is not the case. Mine is just not exciting. The injuries and illnesses aren't anywhere near a fun time.

Off on another tangent since I was talking about baseball and two of my personal heroes. When it was for the love of the game and not how many millions is my contract worth. When you could actually go to a game as a family and not break the bank on $10 hot dogs and a $20 beer. Where you actually had fun with your parents cheering your team at the bottom of the ninth, winning run on second and no outs. Where players actually wanted to wait and sign autographs because they new that their fans were the most important part of their career.

The main reason I bring up baseball is that I am in a sports mood since the Olympics just ended. It was some of the greatest acts of sportsmanship that I have seen since the glory days of American sports. (which I got to watch the highlights since most was before my time)(sad isn't it) It is easy to become jaded in this era, but we got to see a swimmer become the greatest Olympian of all time, a 40+ year old woman gain two silver medals in her 5th Olympics, and two teams of pro basketball players shred their contract team colors, where foes became friends and put on the uniform that said USA and take GOLD. I was lucky to watch the games and even have more reasons to be proud of my country and that we have athletes that do what they do for the LOVE of the sport and not how much money they will make. Being a swimmer myself and wishing I had the talent that these swimmers do, but I do love to watch. All the American swimmers put on a great show. I know much is focused on the main man Phelps, but even as he puts it he didn't do it alone. In no way am I saying what he accomplished isn't amazing, but he wasn't the only American playing in the games. When he won his eighth gold medal I was cheering just as loud as many others. I loved watching the games and the pride these athletes took in promoting their country. One of the greatest parts of the games is when Dara Torres had the heat delayed because the swimmer in the next lane's suit ripped. I was amazed! Then last night I was able to watch the US basketball game for gold(men's). I hadn't been a big fan since it is the same as major league baseball is. It is all about the money not the game. However, during this game these players proved that they are worthy of wearing that gold medal around their necks' and wear the jersey that had USA printed on the front. Even though they play for different teams back in the states they played with egos and salaries aside with the bottom line being that their team the "Redeem Team" was destined for gold. These games have been a pleasure to watch and to all the Americans that were able to participate congrats and thank you, you made many Americans proud.

A fun day.....

Yesterday was one of the best days that I have had in a long time. One of my best friends came back from vacation and we spent the day together. First we had lunch and surprisingly we both ate salads. Then we went to Old Navy and they had all jeans on sale for 12 dollars. Score I got two pairs. Then we stopped at Starbucks and ran into some other friends. Hit a meeting then went back to her house and got ready to go hang out at a hookah bar. It was such a great time. We got to hang out with a huge group of our friends and laugh the night away.

I am so blessed that I have such good friends. Stacy has been so beneficial in my life. She has been there for me in my tough times and there for the good as well. Our friendship started about four years ago when we worked together. We would hang out every now and again after work, but it wasn't until we started having the same schedule that we hung out all the time. I got sick and she made me a card and brought it to the hospital that I was at and stayed for awhile. She has such strength that it is contagious. I truly love her like a sister. I will always consider her one of the greatest people in my life.

Here are some pictures of us yesterday:

No matter what we are doing we always have a blast even if it is just sitting down having a cup of coffee.

If you don't have a good friend I definitely recommend getting one because they help to bring out the best sides of you.

Better day

I guess the key to a better day is to keep yourself busy. I had a full day today and thankfully it kept my mind occupied. I am quite a bit happier today then yesterday. All I did today was chores. Who knew cleaning could be this refreshing.

Why do we minimize situations or tragedies? Is it so that we don't have to deal with the reality of the situation or do we just want it to go away quicker. If there is a lesser offense it seems to go bye-bye faster than something with more baggage. We also tend humoring it to make it seem less harsh. I guess with all the crap that goes on we would rather shrug something off and get back to work.(so to speak) Why deal with something that hurts when you can just simplify it and shrug it off. It is like the scales of justice and trying to keep the balance. I guess it has always seemed less challenging to take the easy road then to take the hard.

Humor is how I tend to deal with many things that come my way. Don't get me wrong I do have sympathy and empathy, but it is easier to laugh then to cry. There are times when it is the right time to cry, but with everything I think that is over doing it. Me personally I would rather laugh than cry. I do have my days where a good cry is just what the doctor ordered, but on others' laughter is the best medicine.

Since I have therapy in the morning I guess this is it for today.

The wall looks the same, but the fist is bruised.....

You know when you get mad and you have to get that anger out. Why does hitting a wall seem to be the outcome in most cases. The wall isn't going to feel any pain, it won't hit you back, and it won't have some smart-ass retort. So hence my question why hit the wall when we are angry. At the time it does seem rational. You can't go to jail or get a ticket for hitting your own wall. Where in our minds does this rational make sense? So now along with my bruised fist my ego is just the same. I can't believe I let myself lose my cool and just react. Thankfully I was alone in this lapse in good mental judgement. I have enough enemies with my body right now I really don't need any people in that category for me just having a bad day.

With today I felt that I had earned the right to be unhappy and not have some one give me a pep talk to get to a happy place. I really didn't want to talk to anyone for fear that they would feel obligated to bring me back to that happy place. Being in a bad mood doesn't always have a downfall. Not a constant bad mood, but looking at the glass half empty every now and again can be beneficial at times. It allows me to realize that I am not perfect, I am not invisible, and that I am human. Oh and I fell today, too. That does explain my frustration with the day as well. All the hardware is ok, but my knee is just a little sore. So back to enjoying my bad day I called my dad and he tried to get me out of the bad mood told him no pep talk and thankfully he stopped. He also decided to make a joke in hopes that I would laugh and to his dismay it didn't work and I told him not funny. He apologized and we talked, well I vented. He's such a great dad, he has always been my buddy. In my life he does have two roles my friend and my dad. It is so wonderful that he knows what hat to wear once the conversation begins.

Well, since bad days aren't as fun to talk about since you tend to realize how ridiculous you sound, I'm going to call this one a night.

This fits

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb." Sir Winston Churchill

Well, that is how I feel so much of the time. I truly know that every step may be fruitful. When I was at the nursing home, my first day of therapy we were putting me in a standing frame. A standing frame is what it sounds like it is a frame that makes you stand. Lone behold I hadn't been able to pull myself up except to get into my wheelchair. We were having difficulties getting the harness on and I just pulled myself up to a standing position. Both of my therapists looked at each other in shock then looked at me. I asked, "Did I just pull myself up?" In unison they nodded their heads and smiled. So we decided to go to the parallel bars and I was able to take ten steps. It was a crazy day. I was sweating bullets, but the excitement was extraordinary. My endorphins were flowing like white water rapids. I couldn't wait to call my mom and tell her the good news(at this point she deserved some). I could hear her smiling over the phone. Then I called my dad. I can still hear his response, "Alright Marse!" He was probably throwing up his other hand in the air doing a little cheer. It was so great to have something amazing happen after losing some of my faith that I might never walk again. To all the people who had told me that I had my victorious "HA". Not to be mean, but just to say that when told that I wouldn't be able to do something ever again I had to prove them wrong. It was a vendetta of sorts. This has really been an uphill journey. I am grateful that I was able to go thru this. I honestly didn't think so in the beginning, unfortunately all I was able to muster was tears. My therapists never gave up on me and would not let me give up either. There were days where I just needed to be left alone and they respected that and would leave me be. I am not perfect and I did have bad days, but I definitely had more good than bad. In later blogs I may explain some of those bad days , however I choose now to look back at those for just a moment and then focus on the good. Without the bad the good wouldn't be as great. There were many times when I truly felt helpless. From personal experience that is a hard one to overcome.

I had to go thru this recovery to become the person I want to be. That may sound strange, but to have the qualities that I want I needed a strong kick in the toosh, and to fall flat on my face. It is only thru great tragedy that great triumph can occur. This was my tragedy. One of my greatest fears when I had first found out about my back problem was never walking again. I shared that fear about 3 months before the surgery and then it went to the back of my mind. It was still there, but the scarier thought was not waking up from the anesthesia. I had chaplains at the hospital pray with me before both surgeries. It was a little funny that I came to know all the chaplains at that hospital(there were about 6). Amazing people with a powerful connection that they are able to share with people in need.

There are many blessings in this world. There are people that are able to touch lives all over the world. I try to treat others the way that I would like to be treated. Little acts of kindness can mean so much to the person that you are helping. A little action that I am constantly amazed by is people holding or pressing a button to open a door for me. That may seem very simple, but that act of kindness means more than you can imagine. I have seen more people step up to the plate and show compassion than I ever expected. It is a little funny, but more people say "Hello and how are you today" then before. There are truly wonderful people in this world. If you want sit back and watch the way people act, it can be truly amazing to watch.

Go Speedracer and then some

Well, I got my first solo drive today. It was all that I hoped for and so much more.(dramatic pause) I can be cheesy, but not that much. Anyways onto my drive. Talk about freaky, I think that it was scarier now then when I took driver's ed. At least now I know my limits on what my body can handle. I went to see some friends and then back home. To make matters more interesting there were storm clouds on the horizon. (YIKES!) In my mind I'm thinking, "Oh great on my first drive I'm gonna have to deal with rain, too." Luckily Mother Nature was on my side and there wasn't a single drop of rain. Whew! Now on Monday I get to drive to and from therapy. I don't know how to explain this feeling. I can't even think of any good metaphors, similes or analogies. I am truly stumped for a comparison. I really wish that I could put it into words the feeling. Well, I'll try with this one. For a kid to ride a bike for the first time without the training wheels on or Mom/Dad holding the seat. To finally be able to go by yourself and make it. I forgot how much really goes into taking a drive. The main thing that I prayed about for the whole drive is,"Please don't let anyone hit me!" Don't worry no one did and if you really want a funny my mom was saying the same prayer. One really cool thing is that I was able to sit up straight in the seat and since I have lost so much weight I had to tighten my seat belt. How cool is that?

There are still days when I actually sit back in amazement at how far I have come in 3 months. I still remember that first day after surgery. I know that I have said this before, but I seriously would go thru this operation again knowing that this would be the outcome. It has honestly made my life so much better. It has taught me humility, strength and gratitude. Now I don't have back pain and that is beyond amazing. It is more than I could have hoped for. It reminds me of two quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

"A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water. "

She is a wonderful woman that has left a great impression on history. Not only is she one of America's sweethearts, she also is an amazing role model for women of all ages. She is definitely one of mine.

No matter how tough a time can be there is always an ending point. It may not be the one that is desired, but it could be better than what you had hoped for. This wasn't what I had expected, but my journey has been worth it. Not only do I know my strength(body, mind and soul), but when the shit hits the fan I know who I can count on and who I can't. (pardon my language) You also learn to cherish the people around you that give you hope. Love is one of the greatest "get well" gifts you could ask for. Everything really stems from it and with it you can change someones day. I don't mean it in the sense that you love everyone. I just want you to think about opening you heart and helping someone out, and believe it or not that is showing love.

Family and friends

I know that I have said this before, but I truly have a great support network. I don't think that I could have made it thru this without them. I will give you the breakdown.

My family unfortunately is all over the world, and we keep in touch by email and phone calls. My mom and dad are the best parents ever. Everyday that I was away from home my mom came and saw me everyday no matter what. She told me that if I wanted to cry to go ahead and she would hold my hand. She fought many of my battles because I was too out of it to make sense. There were some mistreatment's that I couldn't fight for myself. My mom is not one to make angry especially when it comes to family. Plus what makes it even better is that she does it very politely. I nicknamed her the General because when she gave an order they would not question it at all. She is truly a wonder woman. She has always been one of my heroes because in the face of adversity she always has her head held high and a calm head. I hope that when I become a mom that I will have the strength, compassion and love that she has always given to me.

My dad is the one I was able to vent to during the day. He was my jester because he would never let me talk about the bad stuff and he would always make me laugh. Thru this there was only one really bad thing that happened and both my parents stepped up to the plate and hit grand slams. Jokingly I called my dad the General's pit bull. After I called my dad and told him what happened I could hear his anger over the phone. I have been on the other side of that anger when I was growing up and got in trouble. He got on the phone with my mom and they both called in and I'm glad that I was not part of that conference call. They apologized to my dad and he asked why they were apologizing to him you guys need to tell my daughter that. When I thought that I couldn't take anymore he told me to hang in there for just a little bit longer. I am very lucky to be daddy's little girl.

My grandma on my dad's side was able to fly down to help me(this was prior to me not being able to walk)around the house in moving around and such. She was such a great help by doing so many things. She would wash my clothes, bring me food, help with my emails, cook dinner for me and my mom(they would sneak it in since the food where I was was not too great), help me get dressed, with showers and so much more. She kept everyone informed of my progress and gave constant encouragement so that I could come home.

My mom's parents unfortunately couldn't make it down to visit however they did send tons of love my way via cards, emails and phone calls. When I got home I was able to video chat with them and it was wonderful. They had me in their prayers even when my grandpa had a sick spell they still sent so much hope and prayers my way. Even when they were miles away with the cards they sent it felt as if they were here giving me a big hug and saying that it's gonna be ok. Believe it or not sometimes that is all someone needs to hear.

My aunts and uncles have shone thru too. I have one of each on both sides. Even with their busy lives they were able to take time out to chat with me and keep my spirits up. For that I am extremely grateful.

My sister is one amazing woman who I have admired since we were kids. I would love to say that we have always got along, but we have had our tough times. Since this surgery I am able to have her as a sister and a friend. We have a relationship now that I cherish. I can actually talk to her and we have conversations without fighting. She does have an upper hand just a bit since she gave me a nephew. Just kidding. I was having a really bad day and out of the blue she gives me a call and that changed the whole outlook of my day. She is remarkable in every way a person can be. She may be thousands of miles away, but some days it feels as though she is in the next chair.

I have a couple of close girl and guy friends that have also helped me thru these tough times. My three girlfriends are amazing women who really are a wonderful part of my life. Lane, Stacy and Shaunna really helped keep me sane. They let me cry when I needed to and made me laugh when I needed to get out of the sadness. They really are not just friends they are my family and when I needed some additional rocks to lean on they stepped up to the plate without hesitation. I also have some guys who began as friends and became brothers. There were times when at 3am I was wide awake and feeling pretty crappy I was able to get a hold of one of them and he told me that it will be ok and said that at least you are getting better, plus there are people who have it worse than you. That may sound harsh, but it was true and exactly what I needed to hear. I love this group of friends as much as I love my family, well they may not be blood, but they are family.

My advice to the reader....These are just a few examples of the great people in my life. If you are having a bad day take a look around and you can see all the people who love and care for you. If you think that there isn't one I can tell you for a fact that there is, my God does and if you look in the mirror I'm sure that reflection does too.

Bad day

I asked my doctor if it was normal to have my emotions all over the place and he said that it is possible. Well, my mom said that my body went thru some traumatic surgeries. It is just there are days that I feel less of a person because I am stuck in a house with hope of outside adventures. It is as if those days are never going to come. I feel like I am in a constant funk. For the men that read this it is not PMS. That is not always the answer when a girl is having emotional issues. I feel as though there are days where I can't do anything right. Plus I am exhausted everyday and it doesn't feel like I am doing enough during the day to be that tired. I am having a hard time writing this because I am so out of it. Don't get me wrong I'm not depressed I'm somewhere in the middle. I guess one of the main issues is I feel as if my life is passing me by since I feel like I'm going nowhere and everyone else is in the fast lane. My life is the car that is stalled on the side of the freeway that everyone passes shaking their head thankfully that it is not them. Oh and while the car is not working the cell phone goes out too. No contact with the outside world. At least in the house I have AC, TV, Internet and a big bed to sleep in. At least I have a box of tissues to wipe away the unknown tears tonight.

Red tape and the runaround

I have been trying to get an answer to insurance information and they keep telling me "I don't handle that you have to talk to so and so." or "We have to research and call you back". I really don't have a problem with the second one it is the first that is the issue. I work in a call center so I can understand some of the methods, but it doesn't make them less irritating. Now I find out that my insurance may be dropped. Hence me being upset. I have been getting the run around this morning and it is really making me mad. All I wanted to know was a simple question and here they are making it complicated. I am waiting for a guard to magically pop up and start putting red tape on everything. I understand that the idea behind having different departments handle different aspects, but come on can they at least communicate with each other. This is the information age and I can't get one answer. As my friend tells me, "You can't change the actions of others you just have control of your response." So onward I travel with hopes of having a clear head and a cool temper. Well, there is always hope. ;)

Grateful and frustrated

Can you be grateful and frustrated at the same time? This is my major question right now. If I get frustrated about a situation that doesn't always mean I am not grateful. I am extremely blessed with the benefits that I have, but sometimes the process is a bit tiresome. I am not complaining by any means it is just there is only so much one person can handle before they just need a break. Let alone my brain is still making its way back to what it used to be. I still have some slow moments. My mind was on vacation for a couple months with the only thing on my mind was getting some ice chips and jello. I didn't really have to worry about anything at that time and now it is a flood of paperwork. I can't just go to a peaceful place and pray or meditate just to help get my thoughts in order. I did get the ok to drive however I still have to take a few practice runs before I enjoy the open road. Thank God I have insurance and great insurance at that. The amount that I will have to spend out of pocket is not even close to how much my surgery and after care was.

What I can say it that my mom is the greatest woman that I know. At times where I thought that all hope was lost she sat next to the bed and held my hand. Some people have said that that is what mom's are supposed to do. I disagree. She came to every place that I was at everyday without any hesitation. She drove 3 hours both ways after working an 8+ hour shift just to sit by my side. We were very lucky that my grandma was able to visit because she was able to help my mom so that she did not have a nervous breakdown. Plus all the family support helped with the stress that my mom and I were both going thru. Her more than me because I was in lala land for most of the time. My mom is my hero, strength and my angel. She didn't have to do all the things that she did, but because she loved me she did. There is nothing on this world that I can do to repay that. I wish there was, but for now all I can do is say "I love you" and give her all the help that I can.

Going thru this ordeal has done wonders for me. My friend asked me on Saturday that if I new that this was the outcome would I still have the surgery. Without hesitation I said yes because it has truly changed my life. Great reward does not come without great sacrifice. I look back at it now and I am not upset over anything that has happened I am grateful. I know that I have said this before, but I am so happy that I have no back pain after 5 years of it constantly. I would rather have to work on getting my legs to function again then to have another day of back pain.
The wonderful things that I have today is great relationships with my family ( I can see both sides now don't know how it happened but hey I'm going to go with it). My advice today is to take at least 5 minutes to relax and enjoy what you have.

The Fallout

No good deed goes unpunished...that is the phrase right. How about 2 steps forward and one step back. Both seem to fit right now. Here I am so excited that I went up 3 flights of stairs and down walking to the car. I thought that I was on a roll. The fall out begins. I woke up this morning and my right leg and ankle were hurting so bad I could hardly sleep. I get to therapy and tell my therapist that my arch is hurting and she said that if you do too much then that can happen. The saga continues. After 5+ years of constant back pain and now 2 1/2 months without it there has got to be a catch right. One of my favorite movies has that line over and over. "Always a catch!" So I'm still in the process of getting my legs to balance the rest of me and now I have another set back. I really think that it is funny. If it sounds like I'm complaining trust me I'm not I actually am trying to hold back laughter. I felt that I was on such a high that I could do all that on Thursday I didn't stop to think that I could have repercussions from everything that I did. No not me, I'm getting stronger. Gotta love that kind of thinking. I'm getting ahead of myself thinking that I can walk unassisted and that this is all some crazy dream. Unfortunately it is not, but there are days that I am scared to go to sleep because I will wake up back in the hospital and have to go thru this all over again. At this point I would rather do just enough to be at the bar than to be above and face the hardships afterward. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I'm just going to be lazing around. I guess what I am trying to say is that I would rather walk ten feet and be tired than to run a marathon and think that I will die from exhaustion in 5 minutes.

Lone behold onto other things. Can't talk about that too much because it is kind of depressing. It is always yucky to have the drastic realization that you are just a mere mortal. That is where my next subject comes into play. I'm not a religious person by any means, however I do have faith. I won't go into my beliefs due to the fact that they are no ones business, but my own and my God. I don't care what you believe just as long as you can hopefully grasp the concept of something greater than yourself. The reason I brought up this topic is I have prayed for the past years to feel better and for some doctor to find out what is wrong and why I am in so much pain. God works in mysterious ways(I call him God just because it is easier and more can understand). I have faith that there is a plan for my life and that I am not privy to that information. At times I do think that it is not fair, but think about it if you had the option to know the future would you really want to. Now I am ok to say that what has happened is ok and that I am glad I went thru it. It was a great test in emotions, gratuity, and humility. Let alone how strong my family is and how much strength that I possess. Not saying that I would recommend this to everyone however if you are having a bad day take a look around you there are blessings everywhere. If you can't see them ask someone to help because there is always someone who would be grateful for what you have. There maybe people that have more than you, but there is always someone with less. Today may have sucked, but at least I was able to take a shot at it and get a chance to look forward to tomorrow.

WooHoo!!! :D

Woohoo! I didn't think that I would ever be that happy to see my doc. I got great news I get to drive and go back to work again. I promise that I am no speedracer, however having the control of the wheel might inflate my head just a little. Open road here I come. Wait let me bring that statement back have you seen how much gas is. YIKES! I didn't think that I would be excited to go back to work, but hey after being laid up for about 3 months I guess you could say that it does that to you. It is pretty bad when you know what is the line-up on all the stations. Sad I know. What is even worse is that I did read while this was going on. Lone behold while in transit to the doctor's office I decided that there would be no wheelchair only walker and not only that, but I was going to go up 3 flights of stairs. Believe it or not I did make it up and then back down. No falls, but there were quite a few grunts. I thought that my mom was going to cry she was so happy. I took some xrays and the doctor said that everything looks good and he started to point out things and to put it in laymans terms everything was going good. I told him thanks and that for future reference that all he has to say is that it is all good. He smiled and said ok. I told him that I had my fill of medical jargon. Here are my xray pictures with all my hardware. Airport security is going to be FUN. Well, definitely interesting.

Tired

So much for just lazin around enjoying the ac. My therapy this morning was harder than any other's before. First it started at 7am. YIKES! I am not a morning person by any means and then work out on top of that are you crazy. This is how my therapy session went: warm up on bike, lying on my back and marching in place, leg presses, balancing on my knees, then a couple laps walking around the therapy room. It has been awhile since I have been so tired. When I got out of therapy this morning it was already 88 and quickly rising. At least therapy isn't at the heat of the day. I guess that I would rather have in the morning, it's just some days it is just poo. Onto other subjects.

I get to see the doctor on Thursday and find out if I can start driving again and go back to work. Hopefully both soon. I hate having to ask for help to go places and not be able to come and go as I please. I think that this is the most difficult part of it all. After Thursday I guess I will have more news...fingers are crossed.

Chemistry

Have you ever wondered the chemistry of how you sit, walk, or even wiggle a toe. That is my current dilema. My therapist asked me to bend my knee and do a hamstring curl. Hmmm. I had to think of what you would do to do a hamstring curl. I kept telling my leg what to do, but I think that it had earplugs in because it didn't move. My legs are starting to move now, but to actually remember how to do things is the challenge. I racked my brain to try to think of something that would work and then it hit me swinging on a swing. Perfect right, it was hilarous to watch. Here I am lying on my side swinging on an imaginary swing. The first time my therapist saw this and almost fell on the floor laughing. Now that I am starting to walk it is a whole new set of issues. Now when I take a step I mumble heel to toe, heel to toe. Oh and I have a walked with neon green tennis balls. This has taught me a new sense of humor. If you can't laugh at yourself then you really have problems. Laughter is really one of the best medications. It really does make tough situations a heck of a lot easier. I do have my set backs I wouldn't be human if I didn't, however I think back to that first week after the surgery and the irritation is quickly over.

I do have a great respect for people who have these limitations on a daily basis.

One day I ask you to try cooking, cleaning, and laundry from a seated position the whole time. Ovens are one of my biggest challenges in the kitchen. Unfortunately I'm not able to unload the dishwasher just yet because it is awkward for the wheelchair. There are things that I would love to be able to do right now such as walking out to get the mail, walking into the bathroom, or walking into the kitchen in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Without a walker.

Here is a quick recap of my days without going to therapy. I wake up between 7am to about 10am depending on how well I slept the night before. Get into my wheelchair wheel myself into the bathroom at least I can do that by myself now. It is very humbling to literally have someone else wipe you ass. Then I wheel into the kitchen to fix something to eat. This is fun because I really work up an appetite. Instead of it taking a couple of minutes to fix cereal it takes me between 5-10. Let alone if I actually want to have something that is cooked now we are talking about 30 minutes to an hour. I have to make about two to three trips to the table before I can eat. While I eat I will either watch some tv or check emails or my blog ;). Oh and by the way I can only sit up for about an hour and a half to two hours then I have to lay down again. Next is the overview of bills or any other paperwork on my plate. Now it is time to lay down for at least a half hour. Now I put on my shoes so that I can do some therapy. This includes a little battery pack that sends electronic shocks to the muscles in my legs. FUN. Now I get to walk around with my walker maybe go outside if it's not too hot or just around the dining room and living room. This takes between an hour ore two with standing, walking and sitting in between. Then a shower finally that is by myself again and that is a work out within itself. Then get dressed and go back to the kitchen for lunch. After lunch it is time to think about what to cook for dinner. Now for a big dinner we are looking at a couple of hours prep let alone the cook time. After dinner I get an hour or two of down time then take meds and go to bed between 10-12. Sounds exciting doesn't it, well that's my day.

Have you had your piece of humble pie today? It's so tasty too.

How it all started

I have a condition called spondylolisthesis, what that means is that instead of the disks in my back lining up there was a slip and that caused a lot of pain and numbness in my legs. The slip was pushing on the spinal cord and the outputs of the nerves going from the spinal cord to my legs. This is how it all began.....

My doctor finally decided to do surgery and fuse my disks in place so no more slipping sounds simple enough right. Wrong because I went into the surgery able to walk and wiggle my toes then I woke up and couldn't feel anything in my legs. Let me rephrase when I woke up the first thing that I said was "Oh my God I can't feel my legs!" then the tears insued. The doctor was shocked as well because there was no injury to my spinal cord, no cutting of a nerve and after 3 MRI's no problem with the cord. Lone behold we are confused as to why I can't feel my legs. Two days after the first surgery which was 5/5/08 they decided to go thru my stomach and do a complete spinal fusion. Thank God for the morphine drip and that I was out of it for these tough calls. If you are ever going to have surgery make sure that you fill out a medical power of attorney it will help, believe me. Unfortunately after the second surgery I still couldn't feel my legs.

Now the rehab begins.....

I had therapy at the hospital, a rehab hospital and then a nursing home. Yes, a nursing home it was a nursing and rehabilitation home. Finally I am back at home. I decided to do this blog to chronicle was has happened so that I will remember and possibly help someone else. These are going to show my struggles with learning how to walk again and that even if the doctor says that it may not be possible DO NOT EVER GIVE UP!