Hmmm..

I got quite a few responses on my last blog entry. I understand that yall care about me and want me to get better, but I'm sorry not every day is a walk in the park. There are very bad days and instead of doing something stupid I write it down. Maybe this is not the best option. For those of you who don't know the exact details of some of my rehabs let me tell you about one.

I was still in my wheelchair and I still needed help going to the bathroom. I had to wait about 20-30 minutes for help and by that time I already started having a bowel movement. So they get me on the toilet but don't get my pants down far enough and the fecal matter is going everywhere. Already crying over embarrassment the humiliation gets worse. When I was finished we got back to the bed and I still needed to be cleaned up further. The surroundings need to be inserted right now. The window of my room was open the shades were not drawn and the privacy curtain between me and my roommate was not drawn either. In the process of cleaning me up they ripped out my catheter. Well, since I am finally cleaned up I lay there spread-eagle with no covers on my lower half (the window still open and curtain is still not drawn) one of the staff opens the door to my room all the way. There were plenty of people going in and out of this hospital and here I am spread-eagle as bare as I was when I came into this world and no way to cover myself up. This was the only time I felt completely helpless, let alone the people who are supposed to protect me didn't and didn't do anything until I started screaming. After my parents got involved the head of quality came by and told me he was sorry and that nursing would be in to do the same. When nursing came in instead of getting an apology I was told that she was new and that I should not get upset for her mistake. I never received an apology from the girl who opened the door. If you think that this is not something to get upset about that's fine, but I will let you borrow my shoes and you can walk a mile. Then I had to get another catheter put in without any anesthesia.

Now, that you know one of my horror stories maybe some of my entries may make more sense. Right now I feel that I can't say anything right and that everything is under a fine tooth comb. It is as if I am back in those homes again reliving this hell all over again. Next blog that I write I will make sure that I filter it so it is all happy and cheerful to make everyone happy. Since we always have to make the appearance that everything is fine and dandy when it is not. These are MY struggles and MY triumphs so that everyone would know that it is OK to have a bad day or to even have a few in a row. It is OK to have emotional breakdowns without a known cause they just happen. If that offends anyone you always have the option to not read this blog. I am sure that I will get a pounding in emails over this, but you are entitled to your own opinion as I am to mine.

By getting all the bad crap out I was feeling better, and I thought that is what mattered. However I guess I still wanted some approval that I was on the right track, well that feeling is gone. This is my journal of my experiences and I am sharing it in hopes to help someone who is going through this or something similar that it is OK to feel what you are feeling. IF I GET A NEGATIVE RESPONSE TO ANYTHING IT WILL BE DELETED! Just so everyone is clear my day is going fan-freaking-tastic!