Character

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. Abraham Lincoln

Why does it seem that we tend to care more about the reputation then our character? I am guilty of caring too much about how others' will view me then about the status of my character. Why does it seem that only in times of great tragedy that true colors are shown? Is it that we are blind during the daily grind that we can't see people for who they truly are or is it that we don't want to see? I think of myself as a person with strong character, but her lies the catch I want you to reaffirm that to me. I can't just be satisfied with watching my tree grow, I am constantly checking out the shadow.

I have been going through quite a few emotional issues. I can be happy all day long and then five minutes later feeling like crap. It is like all the happiness got sucked out in that split second and I feel like the world is going to end. I don't know why this is happening or how to explain it any better. It is as if everything that I have worked for means nothing and that nobody cares. I want to just crawl into bed and pray that the day is over when it has just begun. Strangely it works the other way too, but that is how it's supposed to be. Right? I guess a lot of it has to do with the fear that my life is passing me by and all I can do is sit on the sidelines and wait for the coach to put me in. But, right now I have to stay on the sidelines because I am not able to play at full capacity. I by no means expected to have the surgery and be just fine the next day and not hurt or have to go through any kind of therapy. I'm just ready for this part of my life to be over and to not have these constant limitations. I guess there is a part of me that wants to go back, but it is not that simple. In this process of rehabilitating myself I am ready for it to be done and over with. To not have these little worries of tripping and falling and being paralyzed for the rest of my life. I feel like I am in the constant cross hairs of black and white with no gray in site. Like it has to be really good or really bad there is no mediocre. If I say that I am OK today to some extent that doesn't seem enough. As the saying goes that we are harder on ourselves then we are on others. It is as if we are not good enough for our own self image so we digress into this feeling of self pity that won't go away. I wish that this would end on a happier note, but unfortunately that is not today.