I got quite a few responses on my last blog entry. I understand that yall care about me and want me to get better, but I'm sorry not every day is a walk in the park. There are very bad days and instead of doing something stupid I write it down. Maybe this is not the best option. For those of you who don't know the exact details of some of my rehabs let me tell you about one.
I was still in my wheelchair and I still needed help going to the bathroom. I had to wait about 20-30 minutes for help and by that time I already started having a bowel movement. So they get me on the toilet but don't get my pants down far enough and the fecal matter is going everywhere. Already crying over embarrassment the humiliation gets worse. When I was finished we got back to the bed and I still needed to be cleaned up further. The surroundings need to be inserted right now. The window of my room was open the shades were not drawn and the privacy curtain between me and my roommate was not drawn either. In the process of cleaning me up they ripped out my catheter. Well, since I am finally cleaned up I lay there spread-eagle with no covers on my lower half (the window still open and curtain is still not drawn) one of the staff opens the door to my room all the way. There were plenty of people going in and out of this hospital and here I am spread-eagle as bare as I was when I came into this world and no way to cover myself up. This was the only time I felt completely helpless, let alone the people who are supposed to protect me didn't and didn't do anything until I started screaming. After my parents got involved the head of quality came by and told me he was sorry and that nursing would be in to do the same. When nursing came in instead of getting an apology I was told that she was new and that I should not get upset for her mistake. I never received an apology from the girl who opened the door. If you think that this is not something to get upset about that's fine, but I will let you borrow my shoes and you can walk a mile. Then I had to get another catheter put in without any anesthesia.
Now, that you know one of my horror stories maybe some of my entries may make more sense. Right now I feel that I can't say anything right and that everything is under a fine tooth comb. It is as if I am back in those homes again reliving this hell all over again. Next blog that I write I will make sure that I filter it so it is all happy and cheerful to make everyone happy. Since we always have to make the appearance that everything is fine and dandy when it is not. These are MY struggles and MY triumphs so that everyone would know that it is OK to have a bad day or to even have a few in a row. It is OK to have emotional breakdowns without a known cause they just happen. If that offends anyone you always have the option to not read this blog. I am sure that I will get a pounding in emails over this, but you are entitled to your own opinion as I am to mine.
By getting all the bad crap out I was feeling better, and I thought that is what mattered. However I guess I still wanted some approval that I was on the right track, well that feeling is gone. This is my journal of my experiences and I am sharing it in hopes to help someone who is going through this or something similar that it is OK to feel what you are feeling. IF I GET A NEGATIVE RESPONSE TO ANYTHING IT WILL BE DELETED! Just so everyone is clear my day is going fan-freaking-tastic!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Character
Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. Abraham Lincoln
Why does it seem that we tend to care more about the reputation then our character? I am guilty of caring too much about how others' will view me then about the status of my character. Why does it seem that only in times of great tragedy that true colors are shown? Is it that we are blind during the daily grind that we can't see people for who they truly are or is it that we don't want to see? I think of myself as a person with strong character, but her lies the catch I want you to reaffirm that to me. I can't just be satisfied with watching my tree grow, I am constantly checking out the shadow.
I have been going through quite a few emotional issues. I can be happy all day long and then five minutes later feeling like crap. It is like all the happiness got sucked out in that split second and I feel like the world is going to end. I don't know why this is happening or how to explain it any better. It is as if everything that I have worked for means nothing and that nobody cares. I want to just crawl into bed and pray that the day is over when it has just begun. Strangely it works the other way too, but that is how it's supposed to be. Right? I guess a lot of it has to do with the fear that my life is passing me by and all I can do is sit on the sidelines and wait for the coach to put me in. But, right now I have to stay on the sidelines because I am not able to play at full capacity. I by no means expected to have the surgery and be just fine the next day and not hurt or have to go through any kind of therapy. I'm just ready for this part of my life to be over and to not have these constant limitations. I guess there is a part of me that wants to go back, but it is not that simple. In this process of rehabilitating myself I am ready for it to be done and over with. To not have these little worries of tripping and falling and being paralyzed for the rest of my life. I feel like I am in the constant cross hairs of black and white with no gray in site. Like it has to be really good or really bad there is no mediocre. If I say that I am OK today to some extent that doesn't seem enough. As the saying goes that we are harder on ourselves then we are on others. It is as if we are not good enough for our own self image so we digress into this feeling of self pity that won't go away. I wish that this would end on a happier note, but unfortunately that is not today.
Why does it seem that we tend to care more about the reputation then our character? I am guilty of caring too much about how others' will view me then about the status of my character. Why does it seem that only in times of great tragedy that true colors are shown? Is it that we are blind during the daily grind that we can't see people for who they truly are or is it that we don't want to see? I think of myself as a person with strong character, but her lies the catch I want you to reaffirm that to me. I can't just be satisfied with watching my tree grow, I am constantly checking out the shadow.
I have been going through quite a few emotional issues. I can be happy all day long and then five minutes later feeling like crap. It is like all the happiness got sucked out in that split second and I feel like the world is going to end. I don't know why this is happening or how to explain it any better. It is as if everything that I have worked for means nothing and that nobody cares. I want to just crawl into bed and pray that the day is over when it has just begun. Strangely it works the other way too, but that is how it's supposed to be. Right? I guess a lot of it has to do with the fear that my life is passing me by and all I can do is sit on the sidelines and wait for the coach to put me in. But, right now I have to stay on the sidelines because I am not able to play at full capacity. I by no means expected to have the surgery and be just fine the next day and not hurt or have to go through any kind of therapy. I'm just ready for this part of my life to be over and to not have these constant limitations. I guess there is a part of me that wants to go back, but it is not that simple. In this process of rehabilitating myself I am ready for it to be done and over with. To not have these little worries of tripping and falling and being paralyzed for the rest of my life. I feel like I am in the constant cross hairs of black and white with no gray in site. Like it has to be really good or really bad there is no mediocre. If I say that I am OK today to some extent that doesn't seem enough. As the saying goes that we are harder on ourselves then we are on others. It is as if we are not good enough for our own self image so we digress into this feeling of self pity that won't go away. I wish that this would end on a happier note, but unfortunately that is not today.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
A normal life...
I know two blogs in one day, but I am making up for lost time. I have been thinking a lot lately about a normal life.
If you are a baseball fan then you will understand this analogy. One of the many heroes of this American pastime is Cal Ripken Jr., he was a great shortstop and a family man. What is less talked about is his younger brother Billy. I feel a kinship to Billy for I am the younger sibling and we have a lot in common. We feel like we live in our older sibling's shadow and can never live up to the hype. I do cherish my sister with all my heart and I'm sure that he loves his brother as well. The reason I bring up this analogy is that like Billy he had spent most of his career on the injury report. If there was a way to get hurt in the sport he did, but his brother on the other hand didn't. I can remember growing up and the only time my sister got hurt and needed stitches was because of me slamming her finger in the door. I promise that it was not intentional it was an accident. The only other time I remember her being in the hospital is when she had my wonderful little guy(my nephew). Now me on the other hand, whenever we moved we had to find the nearest hospital because I would be visiting the ER some time during our stay in whatever city it was. I have had more injuries, illnesses and surgeries than my mom and sister combined. I would say my dad, but he is coming up on 60 years and hello he's a boy.(My poor grandma had her hands full) So my kinship to Billy begins. It is hard to live in a brother/sister's shadow even if it is in your own eyes. I would like to say that my life is just more exciting, but unfortunately that is not the case. Mine is just not exciting. The injuries and illnesses aren't anywhere near a fun time.
Off on another tangent since I was talking about baseball and two of my personal heroes. When it was for the love of the game and not how many millions is my contract worth. When you could actually go to a game as a family and not break the bank on $10 hot dogs and a $20 beer. Where you actually had fun with your parents cheering your team at the bottom of the ninth, winning run on second and no outs. Where players actually wanted to wait and sign autographs because they new that their fans were the most important part of their career.
The main reason I bring up baseball is that I am in a sports mood since the Olympics just ended. It was some of the greatest acts of sportsmanship that I have seen since the glory days of American sports. (which I got to watch the highlights since most was before my time)(sad isn't it) It is easy to become jaded in this era, but we got to see a swimmer become the greatest Olympian of all time, a 40+ year old woman gain two silver medals in her 5th Olympics, and two teams of pro basketball players shred their contract team colors, where foes became friends and put on the uniform that said USA and take GOLD. I was lucky to watch the games and even have more reasons to be proud of my country and that we have athletes that do what they do for the LOVE of the sport and not how much money they will make. Being a swimmer myself and wishing I had the talent that these swimmers do, but I do love to watch. All the American swimmers put on a great show. I know much is focused on the main man Phelps, but even as he puts it he didn't do it alone. In no way am I saying what he accomplished isn't amazing, but he wasn't the only American playing in the games. When he won his eighth gold medal I was cheering just as loud as many others. I loved watching the games and the pride these athletes took in promoting their country. One of the greatest parts of the games is when Dara Torres had the heat delayed because the swimmer in the next lane's suit ripped. I was amazed! Then last night I was able to watch the US basketball game for gold(men's). I hadn't been a big fan since it is the same as major league baseball is. It is all about the money not the game. However, during this game these players proved that they are worthy of wearing that gold medal around their necks' and wear the jersey that had USA printed on the front. Even though they play for different teams back in the states they played with egos and salaries aside with the bottom line being that their team the "Redeem Team" was destined for gold. These games have been a pleasure to watch and to all the Americans that were able to participate congrats and thank you, you made many Americans proud.
If you are a baseball fan then you will understand this analogy. One of the many heroes of this American pastime is Cal Ripken Jr., he was a great shortstop and a family man. What is less talked about is his younger brother Billy. I feel a kinship to Billy for I am the younger sibling and we have a lot in common. We feel like we live in our older sibling's shadow and can never live up to the hype. I do cherish my sister with all my heart and I'm sure that he loves his brother as well. The reason I bring up this analogy is that like Billy he had spent most of his career on the injury report. If there was a way to get hurt in the sport he did, but his brother on the other hand didn't. I can remember growing up and the only time my sister got hurt and needed stitches was because of me slamming her finger in the door. I promise that it was not intentional it was an accident. The only other time I remember her being in the hospital is when she had my wonderful little guy(my nephew). Now me on the other hand, whenever we moved we had to find the nearest hospital because I would be visiting the ER some time during our stay in whatever city it was. I have had more injuries, illnesses and surgeries than my mom and sister combined. I would say my dad, but he is coming up on 60 years and hello he's a boy.(My poor grandma had her hands full) So my kinship to Billy begins. It is hard to live in a brother/sister's shadow even if it is in your own eyes. I would like to say that my life is just more exciting, but unfortunately that is not the case. Mine is just not exciting. The injuries and illnesses aren't anywhere near a fun time.
Off on another tangent since I was talking about baseball and two of my personal heroes. When it was for the love of the game and not how many millions is my contract worth. When you could actually go to a game as a family and not break the bank on $10 hot dogs and a $20 beer. Where you actually had fun with your parents cheering your team at the bottom of the ninth, winning run on second and no outs. Where players actually wanted to wait and sign autographs because they new that their fans were the most important part of their career.
The main reason I bring up baseball is that I am in a sports mood since the Olympics just ended. It was some of the greatest acts of sportsmanship that I have seen since the glory days of American sports. (which I got to watch the highlights since most was before my time)(sad isn't it) It is easy to become jaded in this era, but we got to see a swimmer become the greatest Olympian of all time, a 40+ year old woman gain two silver medals in her 5th Olympics, and two teams of pro basketball players shred their contract team colors, where foes became friends and put on the uniform that said USA and take GOLD. I was lucky to watch the games and even have more reasons to be proud of my country and that we have athletes that do what they do for the LOVE of the sport and not how much money they will make. Being a swimmer myself and wishing I had the talent that these swimmers do, but I do love to watch. All the American swimmers put on a great show. I know much is focused on the main man Phelps, but even as he puts it he didn't do it alone. In no way am I saying what he accomplished isn't amazing, but he wasn't the only American playing in the games. When he won his eighth gold medal I was cheering just as loud as many others. I loved watching the games and the pride these athletes took in promoting their country. One of the greatest parts of the games is when Dara Torres had the heat delayed because the swimmer in the next lane's suit ripped. I was amazed! Then last night I was able to watch the US basketball game for gold(men's). I hadn't been a big fan since it is the same as major league baseball is. It is all about the money not the game. However, during this game these players proved that they are worthy of wearing that gold medal around their necks' and wear the jersey that had USA printed on the front. Even though they play for different teams back in the states they played with egos and salaries aside with the bottom line being that their team the "Redeem Team" was destined for gold. These games have been a pleasure to watch and to all the Americans that were able to participate congrats and thank you, you made many Americans proud.
A fun day.....
Yesterday was one of the best days that I have had in a long time. One of my best friends came back from vacation and we spent the day together. First we had lunch and surprisingly we both ate salads. Then we went to Old Navy and they had all jeans on sale for 12 dollars. Score I got two pairs. Then we stopped at Starbucks and ran into some other friends. Hit a meeting then went back to her house and got ready to go hang out at a hookah bar. It was such a great time. We got to hang out with a huge group of our friends and laugh the night away.
I am so blessed that I have such good friends. Stacy has been so beneficial in my life. She has been there for me in my tough times and there for the good as well. Our friendship started about four years ago when we worked together. We would hang out every now and again after work, but it wasn't until we started having the same schedule that we hung out all the time. I got sick and she made me a card and brought it to the hospital that I was at and stayed for awhile. She has such strength that it is contagious. I truly love her like a sister. I will always consider her one of the greatest people in my life.
Here are some pictures of us yesterday:
No matter what we are doing we always have a blast even if it is just sitting down having a cup of coffee.
If you don't have a good friend I definitely recommend getting one because they help to bring out the best sides of you.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Better day
I guess the key to a better day is to keep yourself busy. I had a full day today and thankfully it kept my mind occupied. I am quite a bit happier today then yesterday. All I did today was chores. Who knew cleaning could be this refreshing.
Why do we minimize situations or tragedies? Is it so that we don't have to deal with the reality of the situation or do we just want it to go away quicker. If there is a lesser offense it seems to go bye-bye faster than something with more baggage. We also tend humoring it to make it seem less harsh. I guess with all the crap that goes on we would rather shrug something off and get back to work.(so to speak) Why deal with something that hurts when you can just simplify it and shrug it off. It is like the scales of justice and trying to keep the balance. I guess it has always seemed less challenging to take the easy road then to take the hard.
Humor is how I tend to deal with many things that come my way. Don't get me wrong I do have sympathy and empathy, but it is easier to laugh then to cry. There are times when it is the right time to cry, but with everything I think that is over doing it. Me personally I would rather laugh than cry. I do have my days where a good cry is just what the doctor ordered, but on others' laughter is the best medicine.
Since I have therapy in the morning I guess this is it for today.
Why do we minimize situations or tragedies? Is it so that we don't have to deal with the reality of the situation or do we just want it to go away quicker. If there is a lesser offense it seems to go bye-bye faster than something with more baggage. We also tend humoring it to make it seem less harsh. I guess with all the crap that goes on we would rather shrug something off and get back to work.(so to speak) Why deal with something that hurts when you can just simplify it and shrug it off. It is like the scales of justice and trying to keep the balance. I guess it has always seemed less challenging to take the easy road then to take the hard.
Humor is how I tend to deal with many things that come my way. Don't get me wrong I do have sympathy and empathy, but it is easier to laugh then to cry. There are times when it is the right time to cry, but with everything I think that is over doing it. Me personally I would rather laugh than cry. I do have my days where a good cry is just what the doctor ordered, but on others' laughter is the best medicine.
Since I have therapy in the morning I guess this is it for today.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The wall looks the same, but the fist is bruised.....
You know when you get mad and you have to get that anger out. Why does hitting a wall seem to be the outcome in most cases. The wall isn't going to feel any pain, it won't hit you back, and it won't have some smart-ass retort. So hence my question why hit the wall when we are angry. At the time it does seem rational. You can't go to jail or get a ticket for hitting your own wall. Where in our minds does this rational make sense? So now along with my bruised fist my ego is just the same. I can't believe I let myself lose my cool and just react. Thankfully I was alone in this lapse in good mental judgement. I have enough enemies with my body right now I really don't need any people in that category for me just having a bad day.
With today I felt that I had earned the right to be unhappy and not have some one give me a pep talk to get to a happy place. I really didn't want to talk to anyone for fear that they would feel obligated to bring me back to that happy place. Being in a bad mood doesn't always have a downfall. Not a constant bad mood, but looking at the glass half empty every now and again can be beneficial at times. It allows me to realize that I am not perfect, I am not invisible, and that I am human. Oh and I fell today, too. That does explain my frustration with the day as well. All the hardware is ok, but my knee is just a little sore. So back to enjoying my bad day I called my dad and he tried to get me out of the bad mood told him no pep talk and thankfully he stopped. He also decided to make a joke in hopes that I would laugh and to his dismay it didn't work and I told him not funny. He apologized and we talked, well I vented. He's such a great dad, he has always been my buddy. In my life he does have two roles my friend and my dad. It is so wonderful that he knows what hat to wear once the conversation begins.
Well, since bad days aren't as fun to talk about since you tend to realize how ridiculous you sound, I'm going to call this one a night.
With today I felt that I had earned the right to be unhappy and not have some one give me a pep talk to get to a happy place. I really didn't want to talk to anyone for fear that they would feel obligated to bring me back to that happy place. Being in a bad mood doesn't always have a downfall. Not a constant bad mood, but looking at the glass half empty every now and again can be beneficial at times. It allows me to realize that I am not perfect, I am not invisible, and that I am human. Oh and I fell today, too. That does explain my frustration with the day as well. All the hardware is ok, but my knee is just a little sore. So back to enjoying my bad day I called my dad and he tried to get me out of the bad mood told him no pep talk and thankfully he stopped. He also decided to make a joke in hopes that I would laugh and to his dismay it didn't work and I told him not funny. He apologized and we talked, well I vented. He's such a great dad, he has always been my buddy. In my life he does have two roles my friend and my dad. It is so wonderful that he knows what hat to wear once the conversation begins.
Well, since bad days aren't as fun to talk about since you tend to realize how ridiculous you sound, I'm going to call this one a night.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
This fits
"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb." Sir Winston Churchill
Well, that is how I feel so much of the time. I truly know that every step may be fruitful. When I was at the nursing home, my first day of therapy we were putting me in a standing frame. A standing frame is what it sounds like it is a frame that makes you stand. Lone behold I hadn't been able to pull myself up except to get into my wheelchair. We were having difficulties getting the harness on and I just pulled myself up to a standing position. Both of my therapists looked at each other in shock then looked at me. I asked, "Did I just pull myself up?" In unison they nodded their heads and smiled. So we decided to go to the parallel bars and I was able to take ten steps. It was a crazy day. I was sweating bullets, but the excitement was extraordinary. My endorphins were flowing like white water rapids. I couldn't wait to call my mom and tell her the good news(at this point she deserved some). I could hear her smiling over the phone. Then I called my dad. I can still hear his response, "Alright Marse!" He was probably throwing up his other hand in the air doing a little cheer. It was so great to have something amazing happen after losing some of my faith that I might never walk again. To all the people who had told me that I had my victorious "HA". Not to be mean, but just to say that when told that I wouldn't be able to do something ever again I had to prove them wrong. It was a vendetta of sorts. This has really been an uphill journey. I am grateful that I was able to go thru this. I honestly didn't think so in the beginning, unfortunately all I was able to muster was tears. My therapists never gave up on me and would not let me give up either. There were days where I just needed to be left alone and they respected that and would leave me be. I am not perfect and I did have bad days, but I definitely had more good than bad. In later blogs I may explain some of those bad days , however I choose now to look back at those for just a moment and then focus on the good. Without the bad the good wouldn't be as great. There were many times when I truly felt helpless. From personal experience that is a hard one to overcome.
I had to go thru this recovery to become the person I want to be. That may sound strange, but to have the qualities that I want I needed a strong kick in the toosh, and to fall flat on my face. It is only thru great tragedy that great triumph can occur. This was my tragedy. One of my greatest fears when I had first found out about my back problem was never walking again. I shared that fear about 3 months before the surgery and then it went to the back of my mind. It was still there, but the scarier thought was not waking up from the anesthesia. I had chaplains at the hospital pray with me before both surgeries. It was a little funny that I came to know all the chaplains at that hospital(there were about 6). Amazing people with a powerful connection that they are able to share with people in need.
There are many blessings in this world. There are people that are able to touch lives all over the world. I try to treat others the way that I would like to be treated. Little acts of kindness can mean so much to the person that you are helping. A little action that I am constantly amazed by is people holding or pressing a button to open a door for me. That may seem very simple, but that act of kindness means more than you can imagine. I have seen more people step up to the plate and show compassion than I ever expected. It is a little funny, but more people say "Hello and how are you today" then before. There are truly wonderful people in this world. If you want sit back and watch the way people act, it can be truly amazing to watch.
Well, that is how I feel so much of the time. I truly know that every step may be fruitful. When I was at the nursing home, my first day of therapy we were putting me in a standing frame. A standing frame is what it sounds like it is a frame that makes you stand. Lone behold I hadn't been able to pull myself up except to get into my wheelchair. We were having difficulties getting the harness on and I just pulled myself up to a standing position. Both of my therapists looked at each other in shock then looked at me. I asked, "Did I just pull myself up?" In unison they nodded their heads and smiled. So we decided to go to the parallel bars and I was able to take ten steps. It was a crazy day. I was sweating bullets, but the excitement was extraordinary. My endorphins were flowing like white water rapids. I couldn't wait to call my mom and tell her the good news(at this point she deserved some). I could hear her smiling over the phone. Then I called my dad. I can still hear his response, "Alright Marse!" He was probably throwing up his other hand in the air doing a little cheer. It was so great to have something amazing happen after losing some of my faith that I might never walk again. To all the people who had told me that I had my victorious "HA". Not to be mean, but just to say that when told that I wouldn't be able to do something ever again I had to prove them wrong. It was a vendetta of sorts. This has really been an uphill journey. I am grateful that I was able to go thru this. I honestly didn't think so in the beginning, unfortunately all I was able to muster was tears. My therapists never gave up on me and would not let me give up either. There were days where I just needed to be left alone and they respected that and would leave me be. I am not perfect and I did have bad days, but I definitely had more good than bad. In later blogs I may explain some of those bad days , however I choose now to look back at those for just a moment and then focus on the good. Without the bad the good wouldn't be as great. There were many times when I truly felt helpless. From personal experience that is a hard one to overcome.
I had to go thru this recovery to become the person I want to be. That may sound strange, but to have the qualities that I want I needed a strong kick in the toosh, and to fall flat on my face. It is only thru great tragedy that great triumph can occur. This was my tragedy. One of my greatest fears when I had first found out about my back problem was never walking again. I shared that fear about 3 months before the surgery and then it went to the back of my mind. It was still there, but the scarier thought was not waking up from the anesthesia. I had chaplains at the hospital pray with me before both surgeries. It was a little funny that I came to know all the chaplains at that hospital(there were about 6). Amazing people with a powerful connection that they are able to share with people in need.
There are many blessings in this world. There are people that are able to touch lives all over the world. I try to treat others the way that I would like to be treated. Little acts of kindness can mean so much to the person that you are helping. A little action that I am constantly amazed by is people holding or pressing a button to open a door for me. That may seem very simple, but that act of kindness means more than you can imagine. I have seen more people step up to the plate and show compassion than I ever expected. It is a little funny, but more people say "Hello and how are you today" then before. There are truly wonderful people in this world. If you want sit back and watch the way people act, it can be truly amazing to watch.
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